Day 1: From Point A to Point ADHD

On December 21st, 2021 a friend of mine accidentally changed my life.

It was a nonchalant post on Facebook. I wasn't even tagged in it. But I related so strongly to the post that it felt like I had been slapped. Sucker punched by scrolling through my Facebook page, just after my 30th birthday. That post (below) made all my previous doubts and struggles come to a screeching halt, ready to be examined.

Let's step back in time, and give you a little background.

I had been a gifted, intelligent student from elementary school through high school graduation. I had some struggles, and a few classes that were extremely difficult for me, but overall I managed very well. I was smart, so the fact that I never turned anything in on time, and rarely did homework at all, didn't change my grades. I primarily took classes that had 70-75% of the grade based on exams, and I've always been a good tester. So I managed Bs and low As without having to address that I didn't know how to sit down and do homework.

The day I entered college, all that changed. My classes weren't more difficult. The material wasn't harder. But suddenly essays and projects counted for as much of the grade (or more) than tests. My old strategy flat out *didn't work* anymore.

I also didn't have the carpool that I'd depended on to get to school on time in high school. Suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, I couldn't get anywhere on time. Suddenly it seemed like it was SO. MUCH. EFFORT. just to wake up and get going to class. Even classes I was interested in, I often showed up late and sometimes didn't show up at all.

So I went and saw the school health center. We ran tests. We checked my thyroid. Everything came back totally normal, but I was still struggling.

I had gained some weight after graduating high school, so I requested a weight loss medication from a family practice doctor. He gave me Contrave. Contrave, for anyone who doesn't know, is a mix of Naltrexone and Wellbutrin. It was like a light switch flipped. I still had issues with impulsiveness and focus, but I could make myself do things. Maybe just at the last second, maybe by brute force, but the Wellbutrin was the crutch I needed to be able to keep moving forward.

Almost by default, given my clean blood tests and the clear benefit I had from Wellbutrin, I was diagnosed with depression.

Later, a counselor would add anxiety to my diagnosis list. I accepted the depression diagnosis because the Wellbutrin worked. It made life easier, and I was scare that if I protested the depression diagnosis, no one would prescribe the Wellbutrin for me anymore. I had never felt depressed, wasn't sad, didn't have any thoughts of self harm... but I knew the medicine helped, and assumed that the doctors were right and it was just "mild" depression that made motivation hard.

That was 10 years ago. I've questioned the Depression diagnosis to myself off and on over the years, but never argued it. When I was trying to get pregnant, my OB switched my antidepressant to Seroquel. It worked very little. I got pregnant, and went off the meds completely. I felt great during the pregnancy - less emotional and more stable than I had in years, but much more forgetful. I assumed that to be pregnancy brain and thought nothing more of it.

About ten days after my son was born, I yelled at my husband. Full-on yelled at him, for forgetting to bring home milk. As I reflected later, I decided that was not a reasonable or rational response. I was also having intrusive thoughts, and decided I should contact my OB and get back on a medication. Because I was nursing, my OB was reluctant to use Wellbutrin, so she prescribed Sertraline. It helped enough that I didn't yell at people, and I didn't feel completely out of control, but I still didn't feel *good*.

My best description is that the Sertraline didn't make me feel good, but it helped me not feel so BAD.

As soon as I stopped nursing, I went back to Wellbutrin. Once again, I could motivate myself when I needed to, had no intrusive thoughts, and was generally better able to function. I managed to get by with the Wellbutrin, and despite still having my doubts about my Depression diagnosis, it never crossed my mind that it could be anything else.

Then, one day in December, that post, this post, sent me spiraling.

While this whole post is relatable, one line in particular almost jumps off the page for me.

I had never in my life thought that I might have ADHD. But suddenly, I felt compelled to look in to it.